We Just Want to Dry Our Hands!

I must drink a lot of tea, because I have visited a ton of public restrooms in my day.  I do what needs to be done, wash my hands, and then hopefully dry my hands on something other than my shirt or pants.  There’s a plethora of options these days for hand drying.  My favorite is the old, grab-as-many-paper-towels-as-you-want method.  I know this is wasteful, but it also gets my hands the driest in the shortest amount of time.  Now they have these electronic, motion-detector paper towel dispensers.  The other day I walked into a Meijer restroom, and the motion detectors must not have been set properly.  I walked past 4 or 5 of these machines and set them all off – whirl, whoosh, whirl, whoosh, whirl.  It felt like the time I had a hole in my muffler in sunny California where almost everyone has a car alarm.  I drove through one neighborhood and left a horn-honking storm in my wake!  This particular time I had paper shooting out of every towel dispenser.

Recently I was in one bathroom that had one of those motion-detector paper towel dispensers.  As I approached it, the machine let out about 4 inches of paper towel.  Uh, right!!  Maybe that could dry a baby’s hand … but not mine!  So I proceeded to wave my hand under the dryer to get some more drying substance.  Nothing happened.  I read the directions on the machine (yes, they were right there).  “Place hand under here.” I did.  Nothing happened.  By now my daughter was beside me with her dripping hands.  She tried it.  Nothing.  We kept looking for the proper way to get more paper towel. At one point we were both bent at the waist, leaning way over looking at the underside of the paper towel dispenser.  We couldn’t find anything that would detect motion.  I started thinking we were probably looking quite silly.  I whipped up suddenly and looked around – this was a perfect time for the Candid Camera people to pop out.  Alas, no one came forward.  We ended up leaving with wet hand marks on our jeans.

To save on paper costs (and probably janitorial costs), many establishments have gone to the hand blowers.  Long time ago, it took more than one press of the button to dry my hands.  (Was that common for everyone or do I just have big hands?)  Most of the button-push hand blowers have gone out of style.  Now we find them in the motion-detector section too.  The ones that intrigue me the most (and are my favorite) are the ones that sound like airplane engines and can actually blow the skin on your hand from one place to another.  I met a friend recently at one of those hand dryers.  She said, “Look, if we can put our faces under here, we could get face lifts!”  I laughed and said that we would have to carry the dryer around where ever we went to keep the face lift.

Earlier this summer, I was in a gas station restroom.  I was drying my hands under one of those airplane engines that was attached to the wall right next to the exit.  The door opened and a woman with her granddaughter stood there and just looked at me.  I motioned them to come in – I wasn’t THAT much in the way of the door.  She shook her head, and I stopped drying my hands.  This is when she started her lecture from her position outside the bathroom with the door still in her hand.  I can’t remember everything she said, but she went on and on about the evils of these hand blowers.  She exclaimed (with unbelief that I didn’t know this) that these hand blowers are horrible.  She told me about all the diseases in the bathroom that these monsters blew around in the area surrounding us.  I was stunned – more that she would come at me with this than what she was actually saying.  She might be right.  I don’t know.  To be honest, there are too many things to worry about in my life than whether a germ from the floor gets blown up my nose. 

What caught me as funny, though, was when she started to list the diseases that I could catch by using this hand dryer.  The list went on (forever it seemed) and finally ended with “Typhoid and AIDS.”  Really??  Yep, that’s what I said.  That isn’t what I wanted to say.  (I was being good.)  Here’s what I really wanted to do and say:  I wanted to look at her, look around the room, and take a deep breath to take in all of the germs that were obviously flying around the room!  I wanted to look at her and say, “Girlfriend, if AIDS is airborne, we are ALL in trouble!”  I wanted to peer around the room and duck for any invisible dirty needles that might be flying around in the airplane engine’s after effects.  (I’m so bad.)  But all I said was “Really?” and I backed away from the door.  The lady walked in, but her granddaughter was too scared to follow (poor girl).  The grandmother turned around and told the little girl, “It’s okay, you can come in now.”  Meanwhile, I am thinking, “Uh, the germs are still flying around.”  I guess if the machine stops blowing, all of the germs she talked about suddenly drop to the floor.  OH, so THAT’S why we don’t go barefoot in bathrooms!! 

I walked out of the restroom and chuckled to myself.  What I truly wanted to do was to turn around, whip into the bathroom, and put my hands under that dryer while the two of them were locked up in their stall with no place to run!  Thank you, Lord, for giving me some restraint!  When I hopped into the car, I shared the incident with my children.  Since then, anytime we come out of a bathroom with one of those hand blowers, we warn each other that we have now been infected with typhoid and AIDS!  I do not mean to make light of these serious diseases at all.  But, if you have a phobia of hand blowers and germs, please do not accost the customer using one.  We just want to dry our hands! 

Accident-Prone People and Trends that should NEVER come back.

How old are you? As old as I am? Well, let’s see -- do you remember these things: Big combs in our back pockets, platform shoes, and bell-bottom pants??? Recently I have seen all three of these things and just want to scream, “NO!” Oh my goodness -- I’m almost running for the Band-Aids just thinking about those things. (HA) Yes, there are some trends that should not come back for those of us more accident-prone people.

No, that is NOT my back side.

Big combs in our back pockets -- I definitely had to have one of those when I was in junior high!! I can’t remember what color, but it was big and had a curved handle. I thought I was such hot stuff with that comb in my back pocket! Okay, that is until it was time to get out of the student desk at the end of the class period. Think about this large handle sticking out of the back pocket of a pair of jeans. Now think about those old student desks (which are still in use today). As I rose out of my chair, the comb got stuck on the other side of the chair’s back rest. Ugh! I tried to get it up, but the comb stuck on my chair pulled me back down. I was lucky not to have ripped my pants! Unfortunately, my “cool” status was knocked down a bit! Alright, I was never cool in junior high, but I didn’t need anything more to prove my un-coolness. After that, I learned to either take my comb out of my pocket while sitting or checking its location with the student desk before standing.

This IS me -- I loved these pants when I was a kid.

I had the greatest pair of bell-bottom pants when I was a kid!!! They had big flowers all over them and each pant leg measured 20 inches in diameter. I loved them. But seriously -- what was I thinking?? I would run, catch my foot on the bottom edge of my pants, and go flying to the ground! I believe that’s how my pants finally died -- I took a flying leap across the cement driveway. Ouch!! I never stopped having troubles with wide edges on my clothing. Right now I have a pair of tall, cowboy-cut jeans. They are my favorites, but every once in awhile I will trip over my own pants. It’s silly.  I had an oops like this on my wedding day. I walked down the aisle with ease, but my troubles began when I started up the steps to the altar. As I reached the first step, I realized I had just stepped on the inside of my dress.

No problem -- I would fix that on my next step. Right? Nope. As I took the next step, my other foot stepped on my dress.  Now I was standing on my wedding dress with both feet and couldn’t move without the fear of toppling over. I had to stop my husband-to-be (and the ceremony) for a minute in order to use his arm as leverage as I pulled the gown out from under my feet. Oh dear!! Ha. To be honest, I don’t think many people realized what happened. It was still embarrassing.

Platform shoes -- do I need to say anything more?? Why would anyone want to be that high up and teetering forward towards the ground?? Thankfully, someone wiser than me (my parents) made sure this was one trend I did not follow. Could you imagine me in a pair of these shoes?? Add some bell-bottom pants and a comb in my pocket, and I would be an insurance provider’s nightmare! I should try a pair on just once for fun -- and have lots of pillows and maybe someone with some strong arms surrounding me just in case.

I wonder what other trends should not come back for accident-prone people. I would love it if you shared your ideas (and possible stories) in the comments after this blog. I know they would be fun to read!!

I'm a Bit Nuts -- I teach Middle School!

I am a middle school teacher, and every day during the passing periods I stand in the hall making sure no one kills anyone else. Okay, it’s not that bad. In fact, I teach at a very nice school. (No killings, stabbings, kidnappings, etc. at my school….or any that I have ever worked at for that matter.) With that said, we still have the sixth grade boys who want to play tag as they weave in and out of the other students. We also have the girls who want to hug almost everyone before they make their way to their next class. My classroom is at the corner of two hallways where huggers, tag players, and drinking fountain participants all gather. Quite the bottleneck can happen at times until either I or my teacher friend next door yells out, “30 more seconds to get to class!” You know how many times we have done that (on purpose) with two minutes still left to go?? We then grin at each other as we watch the students scatter in panic in all different directions! We can’t do that often because they wouldn’t listen to us after awhile (they are pretty smart that way), but every once in awhile we like to mess with them!

You do realize that middle school teachers have special “messing with their heads” training? (Just like most parents of teens and preteens.) Seriously, do you know how certifiable we have to be to agree to teach middle schoolers? These are the kids who as sixth graders get their hormones for Christmas! They don’t have a clue how to deal with them, and it comes out in a mixture of silliness, frustration, first loves, a few tears, and a bit of rebellion. It takes until somewhere in the middle of their eighth grade year to figure it all out. By then, they have developed a bit of middle school senioritis. Just when you think they are becoming human again, they decide they are completely done with middle school (even if it is still April). To survive all of this as teachers, we have to be a bit crazy ourselves. You question this? Just go to a street corner and ask random strangers if they would like to teach middle school for a week. I bet you would get several “Are you crazy?“ responses. I like this saying: “I’m not suffering from insanity … I’m enjoying it!”   By the way, I do love my job.

So, how do we have some fun with our students? It’s nothing major and nothing that is going to scar anyone for life! I’ll give you a few examples, and don’t worry -- most of my students still like me (and math) at the end of the school year.  I sure hope writing this doesn’t come back to haunt me someday, though.

“Did you get a haircut?” -- This is always repeated a million times the day after I get my hair trimmed. I usually reply, “Yep. In fact, I got them ALL cut.” (Ok, think about it…) My favorite reply, though, is to tell the students that I did not get a hair cut; I changed wigs! Immediately after saying that I put my hand on top of my head and move my hair -- it actually looks like I am moving a wig back and forth. Every time at least ONE student falls for that! (Especially the 6th graders.)

Day after Super Bowl news -- I love football, and I love seeing the competitiveness in some of my students. A few weeks ago, the Packers beat my son’s favorite team, the Steelers in Super Bowl XLV. The next morning, several of my students wore their Packers jerseys to school. Each class period I found a quiet time where I very thoughtfully and seriously asked my students if they had heard the news yet. “What news?” they asked. (It’s very easy to get them interested immediately.) I proceeded to tell them that over night the Super Bowl officials had discovered major rule violations by the Packers. This meant that the Packers had to give up the trophy and their title -- officially the Steelers were the Super Bowl winners after all! The response was immediate! The Packer fans were horrified and my Steelers fans were cheering! Of course at that moment a sly grin would appear on my face. “Oh, Mrs., you are just joking, aren’t you??”  Yep!! Sighs of relief from my Packers students were quite loud to be honest! One gal said, “Oh my gosh, I thought I was going to have to pay back the money I won from my friend!”  Hmmmm.

“Who Farted?” -- Okay, I really don’t like that word (which is why I use the word “Fluff”), but that is the word my students would use when I taught sixth grade in California. The poor flatulent children -- they could be teased mercilessly! Therefore, whenever I heard that phrase, I would pipe up, “I did it!” The students knew I had not been the smelly one, but they laughed at my statement and let the matter drop. (Hopefully there is a child or two out there who is still eternally grateful to me for taking the heat!) With that said, I do have a confession. One particular year, I had troubles during my first period class with my own fluffing. I don’t know why -- maybe it was something I was eating for breakfast. I taught reading first period and did a lot of walking around my room while the students took turns reading the story out loud. Thankfully (for me) my episodes were silent. Unfortunately the following statement could be true -- silent, but deadly. As I walked around the room, the urge would suddenly overtake me and I would fluff (silently). Because I was constantly moving, I was usually on the total opposite side of the room before a student or two would smell my after-fluff. “Eww, who farted?” would be the next thing we would hear. “I did it!” I would say! The kids would laugh and we would go on --- they never knew that this time I actually was telling the truth!! (By the way, if any of my present or future students are reading this, I do NOT have first period fluffing issues anymore! In fact, that was 20 years ago. Now, just don‘t talk to my friends about a recent Best Buy adventure…. Ha!)

“There’s a Mouse!” -- Four years ago, my first teaching job in my current city had me teaching math in an old Home Ec room. That was an interesting adventure. Surrounding us were sinks, countertops, and stoves. I was smart enough to turn off all of the water and gas before inviting students into my new room. Along one side of the room were a couple washers and dryers. One afternoon while I was going over some sort of math concept, a girl in my class started to panic and almost ended up on top of her table. When I asked what was wrong, she said that she thought she saw a mouse run behind the washer and dryer. To be honest, I didn’t think she really saw what she thought she saw, but I went to check. As I peered behind the machines, I saw nothing. That isn’t how I reacted though. Instead (messing with their minds), I grabbed both machines and shook them loudly as I screamed! “Ahhhhhhh!!” A few of them screamed back and more than just a few were now standing on top of their chairs. I turned around and just laughed. I told them that I didn’t see anything and that there probably was no mouse. They groaned (a few laughed) and they settled back into their seats. The original girl was not done, though. As I started walking back to the front of the room, she yelled out, “There he is!!” I must have jumped at least three feet into the air!! (Quite a feat for someone my size.) Oh the belly laughs that came from that girl -- “Just kidding!” she said. She got me back good! …. and I deserved it!

Swimsuit Shopping

Saturday I spent several hours going to 2 malls and 14 stores in attempts to find a swimsuit. I must have tried on at least 2-3 dozen suits. Oh my! If you want a big hit to your ego, go try on a ton of swimsuits! Ok, if you are a size 2, you probably enjoy this venture. In fact, you are the one who has to go into the main area and look at the “big” mirror where everyone else can marvel at your ability to make every swimsuit look wonderful! (grin) What was a bit funny was the fact that I was wearing my winter jacket as I was perusing the swimsuit displays. In fact, in one store the swimsuits were amongst the winter coats!

I understand the obvious question now is WHY would I be swimsuit shopping in the middle of January?? It is basically because I am afraid I might get kicked out of the YMCA if I don’t. My choice for exercise is swimming. I love to swim, and I can swim a mile or so in about an hour. I’ve decided that if I like something and it takes off pounds, then it is a very good thing! (Too bad chocolate doesn’t take off pounds!! There’d be a ton more skinny women walking around!) With my swimming, I have used my suit so much that it is getting pretty thin and loose. The loose part isn’t too bad yet. I push off the wall to swim a lap, and the top of my suit wants to start traveling down towards my belly button. So far I have kept it up to a modest level. It is the back end of my suit that has me worried. The color has almost completely faded right in the seat! I asked my daughter if she could see my bottom through my seat. She said maybe and then offered to take a picture of my back end so that I could see. I passed on that one! Ha. The last time I had the suit on, though, I felt a breeze back there. Hmmm. It would be pretty embarrassing if a Y staff member had to ask me to leave the pool because I was mooning the other guests!

Two totally different swimsuits are available for women -- the “don’t I look so pretty sitting on the edge of the pool” suit and the “I can swim laps without accidentally flashing anyone” suit. I was looking for the second choice while most of the stores if they did carry suits only had the “looking pretty” styles. Well, I needed one of those too, so I tried on every style that came in my size. My first stop was a sporting goods store. The biggest size they carried was a good 3 sizes smaller than me. Come on folks! Big girls need to exercise just as much (if not more) than the petite gal! I had the bright idea to call one of the fitness centers in Fort Wayne to see if they knew who sold Speedo-type swimsuits. “We do.” was the reply. I asked her if she had my size, and when I found out that she did, I drove straight there with a ton of excitement that maybe my search would be a short one. That excitement was short-lived. The size that I should be in was in a style that maybe wasn’t so good for swimming. The true swimming suits were a size lower than my size. That didn’t keep me from trying them on, though. (It should have, but it didn’t!) I grabbed a couple styles and made my way to the locker room to try them on. Who knows -- maybe I was a size lower!! Now women, I have to give you a little advice at this point. Are you familiar with those Speedo suits that have a keyhole in back? I used to wear those all the time when I was young and skinny.  Well, if you are even the least bit well-endowed in your middle section, do NOT put one of these suits on -- especially if the suit is a size lower than you should be shoving your body into! I’m not saying that this happened to me….. but…. the keyhole type of swimsuit does a wonderful job showcasing any bulges that might be found back there. When you take a look at yourself in the mirror and then sneak a peek at what you look like from the back, be careful -- you might cry in horror as you see a sideways butt crack staring back at you from the keyhole! Oh girls, if you have those “why do I still have them” love handles, I’m sure you can totally picture this!! Not that it happened to me…. but that suit came off of me very quickly!! The second suit I tried on was a much better style, but it was still too tight. In fact, when it came time to take it off, I couldn’t figure out how to do it! Because this was a fitness center locker room, I was in the middle of one large area where more than one person was changing. I started to panic a bit as I couldn’t get my arms out of the suit! Who was I going to ask to help me if I couldn’t do it?? Imagine if you were the one asked to de-clothe another woman in the locker room?? Panic!! Thankfully I did get it off, and I chose to ignore that maybe (just maybe) I heard a tiny ripping sound!

The rest of the stores were not that much better. Suit after suit went on and then came off. I was glad to see that the rest of the ones I tried on came off a ton easier than the one in the locker room. None of the suits were lap-worthy. In fact, some of the swimsuits had a neckline that dove past any cleavage I might have. Uh….not going to work at the Y unless I am fishing for dates in that pool!

A few days earlier my children suggested that I go to Goodwill to see if they had any swimsuits my size. “Ewww,” I said. I don’t know -- that’d almost be like sharing underwear. I got to tell you, though, that after 14 stores and no luck whatsoever, I did call Goodwill to see if they had any swimsuits. “Very few,” was the answer, and I decided not to go and face my fear of used swimsuits! When the evening was over, I did have in my possession one (brand new) “look nice” suit but no “let’s swim some laps” suit.

Late that night I was on the phone with my good friend, and she convinced me to check out eBay. In my mind, that is almost as scary as Goodwill. (Gosh, no offense to anyone who works for Goodwill, by the way.) She and I searched eBay together and I found a suit that was the style I wanted and in my size. I bought it! (And no, it is not used!) We’ll see. It should be here in the next couple days. It scares me to buy a swimsuit that I have never tried on since the thousand that I did try on last Saturday didn’t work. Guess it will be interesting to see how it fits. I do have a 7-day return option. Here’s hoping someone else hasn’t used that return option before me! It’ll be nice, though, to get back to the Y and not worry about being “family friendly” enough for the pool. Wish me good luck!

Jen and her Resolutions -- Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!!

2011 is going to be a great year of new beginnings, second chances, dreams realized, and definitely a lot of laughter! (Or at least I hope so!) I was at the store the other day and should have purchased the plaque I saw:

Live Well. Love Much. Laugh Often.

To be honest, I may go back and get it! I think it needs to hang somewhere in my home -- maybe near my plaque that says “Laundry today or Naked tomorrow.” Ha! I do need another plaque, too:  Fall less. Dance much. Keep my mouth shut more often. (grin) If you just laughed, you either believe that I need all of those or you are in line to get that same plaque for yourself!

It’s time for those New Year’s Resolutions!! Last year I said I wanted to exercise more -- “2010 is the year for Jen!” (grin) Cheesy slogan, but it made me laugh. So what is my slogan this year? Not sure. I said out loud before thinking, “2011 is the year for heaven!” OH! Ok, not that I plan to DIE this year! Another -- “2011 is the year for Kevin!” Nope, as far as I know, I don’t know anyone named Kevin other than my brother. He can use that slogan, but this is supposed to be all about me! HA! (You do know that my tongue is completely in my cheek, right?) I’m vacationing at my friends’ home, and I just asked them what rhymes with eleven. The resulting conversation was much more fun than anything we are actually going to come up with as one friend was echoing the other without realizing it! Here were a few from one of my friends: “2011 and I’ll sleep till 7.” (That can still be early!) OR “2011 and I’ll lose 7” (Gosh, I hope I lose more than that!) AND “2011 and I’ll date 7.” Cool…all at the same time??? HA! Well, maybe this year doesn’t need a slogan. (grin) Although I did like this one from our conversation, “2011, on earth Jen’ll have heaven.”

I did exercise more in 2010, lost some weight thanks to that exercise, and plan to keep it up. This year I am going to have to try to cook more at home! AAAHHHHHH, say it isn’t so!! Gosh, this means that maybe I should change the batteries in my smoke alarm, get fire insurance, and maybe not hide plastic containers in my oven! Ok, so I don’t store plastics in my oven….anymore! Years ago, I had some friends who were coming over, and instead of quickly washing the large plastic containers that didn’t fit in the dishwasher, I hid them for the time in my oven. Unfortunately, I forgot they were there! Oops! Later that night I preheated the oven for the pizza I was going to bake for the children and I. When I walked into the kitchen and saw the smoke coming out of the top burners, I realized my mistake. I turned off the oven and then foolishly opened the door. Smoke poured out, rose to the ceiling and rolled around up there while I quickly ran around opening every window I could find! Of course, the smoke alarm went off. When I finally got that to stop (I think by stealing its batteries), I found the kids dancing in the family room with arms extended stirring up the smoke that was hanging from the ceiling. Argh!! That’s when I put them in the car, and we took a trip to the local fast food establishment. You’d think I’d learn from that, but I did it ONE more time! This time was more painful as I had hid my crock pot in the oven. (One less crockpot in my home after that!) My mom sent me a news article soon after about some guys who had hid illegal fireworks in their oven when the police came calling. They, too, forgot about their stash when one of them decided to preheat the oven at 2:00 in the morning. Boom!! I guess I should be glad I only melted plastic!

Cooking is not exactly my favorite sport. I can cook … a bit. And despite popular belief, I CAN boil water! (Oh my gosh, I am such a good catch, aren’t I? HA!) I just don’t know all the fast techniques that help make food tasty without requiring hours pouring over the dreaded cookbook. If I cook, I want it to be easy and fairly quick to make. With that said, though, I am tired of the high-carbohydrate Hamburger Helpers and frozen pizzas. I want good chicken, seasoned steaks, tasty pastas, and anything that makes my tummy happy and my waistline less stretched out! I also like the smell of my home after a delicious meal has been cooked in it. My favorite type of cooking with no doubt is when I am helping a Master Chef (especially if that master chef is cute to watch. Ha!) Alright, dreaming is allowed but not very helpful right now in my resolution. I need good advice on easy-to-make items that isn’t going to punch hours of my time or rob my bank account. Well-meaning friends tell me about what they do. Do I remember these? Well, I mix them up! Let’s see, I am to use vinegar in my pan before pouring the eggs for the omelet, and then mince the cranberries with the mustard….. Uh, yum??? Yep, I think these friendly ideas need to be written down -- but they better not look like a cookbook at all. (For some odd reason, I have an irrational fear of cookbooks! Ha) Therefore, I am calling for all good cooking ideas (notice I don’t call them recipes). Won’t you feel better if you help me in my quest for a smaller bottom?? (See, laugh often…..ha)

I think my other resolution will be to Drink More! Oh, I know what you are thinking! Actually I want to drink more WATER! Last night, I tried sparkling water flavored with cran-raspberry mixed with a little bourbon (it was new year’s eve). Trust me -- that was NOT a good combination! (grin) Water without the bourbon treats my insides so much better. I’d love to also start my day with a good cup of coffee instead of a diet coke. Oh dear….anyone out there know how to make coffee? (This girl needs some major intervention!)

Happy New Year Everyone!! May 2011 be your Heaven! (Ok, still cheesy.) I guess this one is better even if it isn’t my own words: Live Well. Love Much. Laugh Often.